The End of 2012

I just want to say Happy New Years!! And I'm gonna try and keep up this year! :-)

I Believe In God

Now as most know, I am not what one would call an overly religious person.  However, being raised by a Pentacostal preacher from the time I was 10 or so (which is when my dad got religion), I still do believe in all the things I was taught:

I believe there IS God.

I believe in Heaven.

I also believe there is Satan.

I also believe there is a Hell.

And I believe that a person is going to one or the other. 

When something bad happens, you always hear people say  "Why did God do that? ", or "If there really is a God, how can that happen?"  And people blame God for whatever the incident was.  I do believe that God lets things happen, maybe to see what faith the person has or how they handle it.  Who can really say?  However,  I also believe that Satan, who is quite the adversary, and very powerful himself, makes all kinds of evil in this world, and he should be getting the blame instead of God.  But for some reason, people are quick to blame God first, and you never even hear them say anything about the devil. 

Which brings to mind a quote that a friend of mine said on Facebook the other day, and I was like Bingo! That makes so much sense!  I don't know if he made it up or if it's a quote by someone else, but this was how it went:

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

 

I just love this quote because it is so true.  Again, when something horrible happens, you never hear people blame Satan.  No, it's somehow always God's fault.  Even a lot of Christians will blame God for bad things, and somehow forget how powerful Satan can be, and try to shake your trust in the Lord. 

 

I will say that even after Nicole's accident, I never, ever, ever even thought about blaming God.  Do I think Satan had a hand in it?  Oh yes, definitely.  But God had nothing to do with it.  And He has had nothing to do with anything bad that's happened in my life either.  Have I ever questioned Him about them?  Sometimes, but more like, why?  But of course the answer is simple: Satan.  Trying to shake me up, make me not believe. 

 

But I've got news for him.   I may not go to church often,  or pray a lot, but I do have faith in God.  And the devil is NEVER going to change that.

 

BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN GOD.

 

 

 

 

The Empty Bucket List

I keep hearing the term "Bucket List", i.e. things you want to do before you die.  The problem (if one could call it a problem) with my particular bucket list is, it's empty.  Completely, totally empty.  Is that sad?  I don't know. 

Because on the one hand, what difference does it make if you get to do all these things as once you're dead, you're dead, and  you're sure not going to remember doing them.  (hmmmm.....I sound a little like Debbie Downer here......)  But on the other hand, they would be enjoyable (I assume) while you are alive and you get to have the satisfaction that you got to do them.

I keep thinking I should have one, that there should be definite things I really want to do.  Yet, I can't think of anything I have always wanted to do but haven't yet.  It isn't because I have lead such an exciting life that I've done it all, because that certainly isn't the case by any means.  And it isn't because my life is so full and complicated that I don't have time to think of what I'd like to do.

 I  think maybe it partly has to do with having no passion for anything in particular. You know how some people have a passion for art or music or sports or running or whatever;  I just don't have that.  I wish I did.....I'd like to have something I just love to do and be passionate about (Starbucks doesn't count. lol).  That isn't to say I don't enjoy anything, because I do, like scrapbooking and reading  and writing  (when I don't have brain farts that stop me from putting my words down),  and photography.  But to do them, I have to be in the mood otherwise it just doesn't work.  And I think people who are passionate about something love doing it pretty much no matter what. (Since I am not like that, I am just guessing here.)

Or maybe it has to do with a zeal for life and wanting to do it all. However,  I've never been one to want to do it all, or travel all over the place, though I do find myself, as I get older, wanting to go see a couple of places I never wanted to before, such as Paris and Gaudi in Spain.  And I would really love to go to the Bahamas and get pink sand from Bermuda.  So I suppose it's those kind of things that start bucket lists for people.

Then again, I could always have Don't Make a Bucket List in my Bucket List.

What's on YOUR Bucket List?


 

My (Sorta) Jumbled-Up Mind

I want to blog. I do.  However, when I sit down in front of my computer and bring up my blog and the space to write, I sit here and stare at it, with all these thoughts floating through my mind, but when I go to actually type them,  something just shuts down and I stop.  When I do try, the words don't come out the way I want them too and I delete them.   I have ideas to blog and I even have a list I add to when something comes to mind to talk about.  But apparently not the words to express them.  Even now, as I type this, I stop and re-read and think that isn't how I want to say what it is I'm really thinking and I go back and delete and re-write.  And still it isn't what I have in my mind to say.

Maybe it's writer's block? Maybe it's depression?  Maybe it's the setting where I'm doing the writing? Maybe because I'm really just talking to myself here?   Maybe it's just my fingers don't want to do it?  Because it's like my mind wants to but  the thoughts don't make it all the way down to my fingertips to be able to type the words. 

Whatever it is, it is frustrating.  Because most of the time writing is fun for me and I like talking about different things and I guess just getting my opinion "out there", even if no one is reading it. 

So.  I'm gonna post this one even if it is short and all about not much. But better than nuthin, ya know?

Life Goes On.....And On....And On......

Feeling somewhat better today but still not myself. And apparently it was pretty evident yesterday because I got a free drink at Starbucks, my boss brought me a little basket of flowers, and the SSgt brought me candy and a Starbucks mug with a giftcard in it. I thought that was really sweet of them and it did cheer me up a little.

Now I know these are kind of cryptic posts and I'm sorry about that, just not ready to share anything with anyone yet. Maybe someday, maybe not.

But no matter what, life will go on.

Life Sucks

The title says it all for me right now. I don't know why these things keep happening and I am so tired of it.

Life just sucks. Seriously.

Is It Really Necessary?

This is going to be a little bit of a rant (yes, again) about a store called Spencers. I took Sean Michael shopping last week at the mall and the last store we went to was Spencers. I haven't been in a Spencers in years I guess, but I remembered they sold a lot of gag stuff and some of it sexy, but it wasn't a bad store to go into.

So imagine my surprise when I went in there saw what some of the shirts and buttons and other stuff in there had to say, in plain view at the front of the store. I'm not going to repeat them here, but wow. I mean, WOW!!

Now I am not a prude by any means, and if this makes me one then I'm okay with it, but seriously, I think that store shouldn't let in kids under 18. I think that those kind of shirts, etc are pretty vulgar and I cannot understand why it is okay to have them out there where kids can clearly read them (much less buy them!) And I understand the back of the store is even worse, but I didn't even try to go that far into it.

Yes, I know kids hear that kind of language and sex is thrown at them on tv and radio and in everyday life, but it doesn't make it okay. Where is common sense? Where are morals? Where is respect for the other people that would be subjected to seeing a person in one of those shirts?

No I just don't get it. I don't think the store is funny or amusing, and I personally don't think it should be in a mall. I also know I won't be going into it again. And neither will Sean Michael.

Thank You For Being A Friend

A couple of nights ago I finally sat down and watched Sex and The City2:

and then afterwards I watched

and then finished the evening with a couple of episodes of The Golden Girls:

I didn't set out to watch all these shows in a row like that and it didn't dawn on me until the Golden Girls came on but what was interesting to me was that each of these shows had the same dynamics in them: Four very different women, each with their own quirks and strengths and weaknesses, four very different backgrounds, and one very loyal and forgiving friendship.

And I thought "Wow....that would truly be great to have." That all of them are friends and they always have each other's back. No matter what. And even though there are squabbles and the occasional "She did WHAT?!?!", they always end up forgiving each other and boosting each other up, and they're always there for one another. How can it get any better than that?

Now admittedly, I do have my friends like that, or at least I like to think I do. Vanessa and Janie and Teresa and Vickie are the four that come to mind. (I know that makes 5 of us instead of the 4, but you get the picture. And except that Vanessa and Janie are the only ones who know each other.) We all come from different backgrounds and have different personalities, and I am really glad they are my friends. But we don't live in the same place and can't hang out on a regular basis and that is what I miss. It isn't anyone's fault of course, life just happens.

But oh to have that kind of friendships where I could just call everyone and we could meet at Starbucks and hash out my (or whoever's) problems. Maybe realistically though, it is unrealistic. I can't say that I know of anyone who has that kind of group, and when people work and have families, it doesn't seem quite possible, even though on these shows these women have all that. Then again it is TV. (But it would be nice in real life.)

Still, I would like to tell each of my friends, You each make my world a better place. Thank You for being my friend.

A Little Bit Of A Rant - College Person Vs. Non-College Person

This morning I was reading  The Federal Worker page in the newspaper and there were emails from workers about the pay freeze extension for us.  What caught my attention was one person's comment: 

"I do understand the public's frustration that federal employees with no more than a high school education earned more than their private sector peers (that statistic even frustrates me); however, by freezing pay across the board, we are giving those employees with very little education reasons to stay in service and those with high education levels reaasons to leave."

So I take this to mean that just because I didn't go to college, if I am doing the exact same work as someone who did go to college that I should get paid LESS than him?   Just because he went to college that automatically makes him so much smarter than me and worth more than me and he should get paid more than me?  Why???   And that because apparently I'm too stupid I couldn't find another job in the private sector  if I wanted so thats why I stay in Federal service. I really really resent that.   Because even though I didn't go to college,  I am NOT a stupid person and actually know quite a lot of things.

I know a few college people who can't spell worth crap and their grammar sucks big time when they write stuff.   And their common sense.....what common sense?   And they don't appear all that smart either.   I can watch Jeopardy and answer some of those obscure questions that might make you wonder how I knew that....much less WHY do I know that.   (Which is something I ask Hector because he is really good at Jeopardy and knows a lot of those obscure things.)

 Yes I chose not to go to college because, well, I didn't want to.   Once I graduated high school I was done with school.   But it didn't mean I was done with learning.   I have always  read a lot,  paid attention to things around me,  read the paper, watch tv shows that teach things.   I may not have sat in a classroom and taken poetry/painting/clay appreciation,  but I still figure I'm a pretty rounded person who has different interests and point of views.   I may not be able to hold a conversation about physics,   but I'm sure we could find a common subject to discuss intellectually.

My point being is I may not be college-educated, but I AM smart.   And I know obviously there are many, many  college-educated people who are much more intelligent than me.   However,  if we are doing the exact same job, then we should be paid the exact same thing.

This subject just really pisses me off  (can you tell?).     And you can bet I have more to say on the subject, but I'll let it go.   For now.

Functioning Depression

I know it's been a while since I have blogged and it isn't because I haven't thought about it.  I've just felt like I have been in this rut and my mind wanted to blog but I couldn't get my fingers to do it, or vice versa.   So recently after thinking about it and the way I have been feeling for the past few months, it occured to me that I am in a bit of a depression.   Not a major one but one that is enough to stop me from doing what I want to do and enjoy doing.   I've been depressed before to know the symptoms but it took me a while to get to realize what this is: Functioning Depression (well, this is what I call it anyway).

Even now it is a little difficult to write this, to sort out what I want to say.   But a week ago I decided that enough was enough and I was going to start blogging again beginning Feb 1, the onset of a brand new month.   I'm tired of feeling depressed and I don't want to be depressed.   That being said, I'm going to work on it without having to resort to meds, though I could probably use some therapy (though, who couldn't once in a while?)  Of course depression isn't something you can just make yourself get over just like that, but I think I can at least try to take steps to get to the point where I am feeling better and more like myself and more like doing the things I like to do.  And if not, then there is always Prozac. :-)