This Week

11/22  Mom died.

11/25 Got this sweet thing, an 8 week old female English Bulldog, who is still nameless for the time being:

 

11/26  Thanksgiving.  I was invited to three different ones but instead took Van to Hometown Buffet, where for my Thanksgiving dinner I had fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn.  Very Thanksgivingese, huh?

 

11/27 Didn't even want to attempt Black Friday so I only went to Starbucks.

 

11/28  Went out to get a few things and while fall is over and done with in Virginia, it is on full bloom here. At first I wasn't going to take any pictures, especially how I am feeling this week, but, the trees were so pretty so....:

 

 

11/29 And in the paper today:

 

 

But this kind of thing makes me feel a little bit better:

 



 

 

 



And It's Over

Last night around 10pm, my mom succumbed to pancreatic cancer.  She had been bedridden for the week and I knew it was different from the time before, and yesterday I think she had gone into a coma because she never woke up or moved at all, but was breathing.  In the evening she was breathing differently and by 10:10 when I went to check on her (for the millionth time), she was gone.

Even though I felt prepared, I found I really wasn't. It is so hard to comprehend that I am never going to see her again, get any nagging texts from her about not texting her, watch HGTV with her and talk about the Property Brothers Drew and Scott, bring her Starbucks, fly her to Virginia for Christmas, or bring the kids out here in the summer to see her and go swimming and go to See's Candy.

Sadly I wasn't a very affectionate person and I don't particularly like to hug and I feel bad I didn't hug her or tell her I loved her very often.  I'm not sure when I got to be like that, maybe when I was with Bob and that changed me.  I did tell her a couple of times in the past couple of weeks so she knew I did. Still, I know I should have more often.

Thinking about all this makes me sick to my stomach and even anxious.  I know death is a part of life, you can't get out of life without it.  And while I don't think she really wanted to die, which I don't think anyone does, I am glad that she is now without pain and sickness and she is in Heaven and with God.  That is the most important part, and while I mourn her, the angels are rejoicing her.

Rest in peace Mom and I will see you whenever I get there. I love you.

Truth

 

What I Need To Remember

 

Amen

The Power of Prayer

Last weekend I was pretty sure Mom wouldn't make it to this weekend because she was in really bad shape, very low blood pressure, not eating or drinking, not knowing sometimes who I was, etc.

On Monday, a few people from her church came over and sang to her, prayed with her, read a few scriptures to her, and gave her communion.  Tuesday afternoon she was up and on the couch and watching tv.  I mean no, she wasn't out dancing in the streets or anything and not eating anything, but she was feeling a lot better.  And for the past couple of days since, she gets up in the morning and lays on the couch and watches tv, has talked with friends who have come over or have called, she is drinking more liquid, and even eating a little more.  Not a whole lot, but much better than she was.

I truly believe it is God, though maybe not healing her, but letting her feel okay and having little-to-no pain. I am a great believer in God and the power of prayer and He listened to those prayers.  And even if she did pass away tonight, at least she wasn't in pain. Only God knows when He is going to take her and I just hope that when He does, it will be peaceful for her and let her continue to not be in pain.

In the meantime, thank you God for this time.

Night

I am really starting to hate night time.  With all that is going on with Mom, night is the worst time for me. Daytime is okay, but once 9:00pm hits, I start feeling anxious and sick to my stomach. And trying to sleep is a whole nother thing. I stay up until 1 or 2, turn out the lights and stay in my rocking chair until I fall asleep in it, and when I wake up a little bit later then I go to bed, figuring I should be able to right to sleep in my bed.

But, my brain has other plans. It wakes right up and I start thinking again. And even when I do finally fall asleep, it isn't a sound sleep and then I am up at 9 or 10.

I'm a little worried what is going to happen once Mom goes and I am here all by myself at night. Not looking forward to that at all...even thinking about it now makes me feel ill and want to cry.

This just really sucks.

You Know What Sucks?

Watching someone slowly dying. And knowing there is not one darn thing I can do to stop it.