A Few More Days

In about 5 more days I will be going home to Virginia.

 I'm not sure how I feel about it really, because part of me wants to stay here and part of me wants to go home.  The thing is though I don't really miss home except for Sean Michael and my cat Rabbit, and Vickie and Tonda.  But otherwise I don't miss anything or anyone, and I just want a change in my life.

Of course I don't know what I would do if I stayed here, though I have way more friends here than I do at home so I don't think I would get lonely.  But I would need a job first and really I don't want to give up my government job until I'm 62, so home I will be going.

I did decide though that I am going to keep Mom's house, at least for now, because I just don't feel like I am ready to give it up. I do hate having to pay the rent on it, but I suppose that is just the way it goes.  I don't know if I am going to keep the house forever or just for a while or what.  Maybe until Van turns 62 and can afford it himself when he gets social security.  I just don't know except I am not ready to say goodbye to it, or California, yet. And giving it up feels so final, so  over, so like Mom is really really gone, which I know she is but it is hard to let go of her. I miss her even though she could annoy the heck out of me.  I just feel so sad and I know that is to be expected and will eventually get easier (I hope anyway). At any rate, I am very conflicted about things and have a hard time making any kind of decisions, except that keeping the mobile home feels right.

I wish life would get easier instead of harder.