Thirty- Eight Years Ago

I gave birth to my first child, Nicole.  I was only 20 years old and had absolutely no idea what I was doing or how to take care of a child, much less take care of myself.  I remember that I was so sure I was going to have a boy that we painted her room blue and Mom made her a blue quilt, and when I actually had her (C-sectioned) and they told me I had a girl, I asked them if they were sure.  They replied yes, and did I want to hold her.  I was rather disappointed and I said "No".  (What can I say...I wanted a boy. lol)  She went a whole week without a name because we hadn't picked one out, and finally I was watching "Edge of Night" and there was a Nicole on there so I thought, well, that's a nice name so that is what we named her.


Fast-forward to 38 years later and here we are, our lives not turning out exactly how we thought they would.  She is in a nursing home from the motorcycle accident and I can't help but blame myself (and Ed and Bob too) a little as we were not the greatest parents that we should have been.


Sometimes I think I would have been a better parent had I waited until I was older, but of course I didn't realize that until I was older.  And admittedly getting pregnant both times were accidents, which of course was my fault too.  I can't remember ever wanting kids when I was younger, unlike some women who want lots of kids and knew they did from the time they were really young. I guess I figured I would have kids, but not when, and then here they came before I knew it.


All about choices I suppose.  I love both of my kids but when I look at their lives and what has happened to them, I wish I had made better choices back then. It isn't something I dwell on, but I do regret it and wish better for them because they didn't deserve it.