A Few of My Favorite Things

On my day off: Do a little shopping, get some Starbucks and hang out in Books-A-Million and read and buy a book or two

Clothing Store: DressBarn

Store in general: Target

TV shows: The Middle, The Goldberg's, Flea Market Flip

Dinner: Bbq Steak w/Yum Yum sauce, garlic pepper fries, grilled corn-on- the-con

Accessories: Earrings and sunglasses

Car: 70s El Camino

Mascara: Maybelline Great Lash

Starbucks drink: Iced-quad-venti-in-and-out caramel macchiato

Color: Yellow

Pet Peeves

Jewelry that doesn't go with what you are wearing (which is how this post was thought of).  Today I saw this woman in a turquoise, orange, black, gold, and brown top, and she was wearing black and purple earrings. Um, no.  Really.  I don't know what mirror she looked in and thought it all looked great together, but it didn't.

Making dinner.  Yeah, seriously.

I95 traffic.

People that think the world revolves around their brats.

That some people just don't get it.

People who don't know how to spell "lose".  Makes me crazy when I see them spell it l-o-o-s-e. Grrr.

Not losing weight. (Notice I spelled "losing" correctly.)

Having a sweet tooth.

Not getting a good night's sleep (though, last night, I actually did! Boy was I surprised.)

I Want To:

Retire
Be thinner
Write a book or two (or five...)
Live in California
Travel
Go on an adventure
Own a house of my own
Have a really great kitchen
Be a photographer
Sleep for an actual 8 hours
Be happy
Be in love
Finally be with "him"

Do Not Forget!!

Whenever I feel myself start to weaken, I need to go to my messages on FB and reread those emails.

It would be so easy to stay but remember those emails.

Know that is it once again some kind of manipulation, reread those emails.

It's a brand new game for him...reread those emails.

Do not forget those emails!!!

Six Months To Sixty, Etc

Six months from today I am going to be 60 years old.  I made a vow (well, sort of) that I was going to change my life and start anew.  I still want to, and who knows, it may happen, but when you have a job and need the money, etc, it isn't always quite that easy. Unless I am able to find a job in Fresno between now and then, I don't see my life changing until I'm 62 and can retire and get social security along with my retirement and money from H. 

Obviously a lot of things can happen between now and then, and who's to say I will even make it to 62.  Hopefully I will, but you never know.  And then of course there is always that caveat that when one makes plans, God laughs and laughs, because in the end, He is the one who has your master plan in hand and it may not agree with what you wanted, so you can only hope that it does work out. 

So in the meantime, I do have a plan (God willing) for at least when I am 62, though I am hopeful that it could happen before then.  ***fingers crossed***

In other news...I took myself off Zoloft after taking it for only a couple of days.  Even though I take it at 6am, it causes insomnia and I have restless leg syndrome and the Zoloft really exacerbates it big time.  I can't be awake until 3am every night and then have to get up a couple of hours later for work. So Zoloft is a no-go.  And I don't want to take sleeping pills either.  I guess we're back to square one here.

CaliGirl is in heat and trying to keep Bob-the-Bulldog off of her is no small feat! Geez I can't wait till it stops.  We tried putting doggy diapers on her but she wasn't having that at all.  She was yelping and acting like it would hurt to put them on so we finally gave up.  And she is spending a lot more time in her pen.

Went to IKEA yesterday and it gave me ideas about Mom's house.  I do wish Fresno had an IKEA, but the they don't and the closest one is in Sacramento I think.  But once I'm living there I just may take a trip up there. A couple (or three) of ideas:

After IKEA we went to On The Border for Mexican food and I had this really good drink called the Citrus Cosmo.  It was like really boozy lemonade but sooo yummy!!

Then it was home and in bed by 10. With plenty of insomnia. Oh what fun.



Let's Just Hope They Help

So yesterday I went to the VA for med refills but I also finally asked for an antidepressant, just something to take the edge off as I know it isn't going to be the be-all, cure-all. So my doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft and we will go from there, along with counseling.  I agreed to the counseling and who knows, maybe it will help, though what's happened has happened and there is no getting over it.  And as weird as it seems, I just don't feel anything about it right now, or about him. Maybe they'll help with that too, except do I really want to just feel anger/sadness/disappointment/etc/etc all the time about it? I think I'd rather just not think about it at all.  Of course that may not be healthy in the long run either, so I don't know.


Anyway, the doctor said it should take about a week or so for the Zoloft to really kick in and hopefully make me feel better, and if not then they can tweak the dose upwards. I don't mind it at all  but boy I do hope it doesn't make me gain any weight because I sure don't need do that.


All I know is I just want to feel better...and I hope it is possible. We'll see.

The Birthday Without Her

Today is my mom's 81st birthday and she isn't here to celebrate it. The day was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I was pretty sad all day,  and really missed her.  And I couldn't help but think of her last year and how happy and surprised she was about the surprise birthday party Aunt Lee and I gave her.

I Do

Blog Posts

The other day I was perusing other blogs and here are some of the things I read about:

Someone being pregnant and drinking beet juice (blech!!!)

A blog post dated November 2, 2016...how did that happen when it is only October? Can we post in the future now?

Wiki  says that your brain is closer to your right ear so answer you phone with your left (seriously?) to prevent radiation to the brain

One noted that we all have one common denominator, which is our brain, and how that one things makes us all incredibly different from each other. Which is true.

One blog had nothing but Looney Tunes cartoons on it. All righty then.

Then there was the blog that had a bunch of pigs (yep, actual pigs) and piglets on it

Something about a lost baby

And flowers blooming in the Fall.


Interesting what others write about. Some rather interesting, some rather weird, some on the boring side. I wonder what people think of mine when they read them. If they read them that is.

So Many

So many truths that I will never know because I don't think he does either anymore.

No Matter What

Even though I have loved others, my heart has always belonged to you and always will.

Nothing At All

I look at you and feel nothing; not sadness, not anger, not pity, just... nothing, like you were a stranger to me.

And that says it all.

You Just Can't

You can't make up for what you haven't even ever felt in the first place.

So Many Questions

With absolutely no answers.

You Should Know...

 ...I'm not sorry.

The Darkness In My Soul

I am pretty much forcing myself to write right now as I am very depressed.

It's been almost a year since my mom's 80th birthday.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I feel like my life is just one big great black hole.

Why do people do the things they do that hurt others and they don't even give a crap.

I miss my mom.

I miss a lot of things. And they'll never happen or be again.

Somehow I have to pick myself up and get over this.

Life really sucks right now.